Last week was Dr. Seuss week at my youngest child’s preschool and my social media feed was filled with memories of past Dr. Seuss weeks with my other two children. One picture showed my daughter before school with her cute Cindy Lou Who hair. I remember getting up early to do her hair and we had so much fun putting together themed outfits for the week. Fast-forward to six years and another child later, and we could barely manage to throw together some mismatched clothes for Wacky Wednesday.
These memories have been popping up a lot lately: Pinterest-inspired parties, cute themed lunches, the coordinating outfits my kids used to wear for church, fun outings, festive holiday celebrations, many hours of volunteering at the school, and all the other things I used to do in my past life as a stay-home mom of two kids. I was sad when they started outgrowing some of the creative ideas and I looked forward to re-creating some of that fun with my third child.
But I’m not the mom I used to be.
My third child has a different mom than my older two had. Our life circumstances are different, I work full-time, we are always running around with the older two and their activities dictate our family’s schedule. Beyond that, I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that the past 4.5 years (his entire life) have been really challenging. We have been stuck in a difficult season and I am exhausted. I know we aren’t alone because I see the hardship, adversity, and grief that so many people have been going through. Sometimes life is just really hard, and it changes us. As depressing as that sounds, I am still hopeful that the hard seasons of life can change us into a stronger and better version of ourselves.
So, while I’m not the mom I used to be, I am accepting that it’s OK to be different, and I hope I can even be better.
I fight the guilt every time an old memory pops up in my feed or on my phone, but I also remember the mom I used to be had her share of challenges too. I remember putting so much pressure on myself to try to be a perfect mom, wife, daughter, sister, friend, and volunteer, and I spent so much time chasing unrealistic standards, searching for my worth in what I could offer others, and trying to control things that were far beyond my control. I wasted so much energy that could have been spent enjoying the fleeting time I had with my kids. Now I have a high schooler, a middle schooler, and a preschooler, and I wish I could get some of that time back.
I’m not the mom I used to be, but I want to be the mom who has more awareness and appreciation for each precious moment, who doesn’t stress out about the small stuff, who extends less judgment and more compassion, who faces adversity with grace and dignity, who understands that some situations are beyond her control, and who models kindness, love, and strength to her children.
I still love cute outfits, themed parties, and volunteering, and I hope to get back to those things at some point, but I know I will never be the same mom, and I think that’s a good thing. My children don’t need the mom they had then. They need the mom they have now. I pray that I can keep changing into the best version of myself that I can be for them.
My heart goes out to all you moms in a difficult season. I hope and pray for brighter days ahead, and that we will all come out better and stronger than before.
