I always planned on giving my kids roots. One place they could recall in their memories as home, where they could return when they were grown and feel as safe and welcome as they do now. I wanted the house we currently live in to be the setting for all their favorite memories, not somewhere they drove by, decades down the road, and recalled climbing a tree that is no longer there.
Then I stumbled upon a job opportunity, a rare and unique position that shone as a dreamy goal of mine.
A place where I’d get to use my writing skills to further a worthy cause I believe in, to be part of a great nonprofit working with an animal I’ve been obsessed with my entire life: dolphins. I’d get to work with dolphins and use that degree I’m still paying off. I applied, thinking if it was meant to be, it would be.
I was thrilled and humbly surprised when they were actually interested in choosing me. My heart filled with hope…until I got to the salary. Turns out nonprofit work in a highly expensive location isn’t so financially stable. Then came the question: even if it were financially possible, could I move my family far away from the life they know, the friends they love, the school where they’re comfortable?
Do I maintain their roots or teach them to fly?
The song How Far I’ll Go from Disney’s Moana has often encapsulated how I feel, from simply missing the ocean to the deep hurt of feeling like you aren’t where you’re meant to be. I’ve found myself living this verse:
“I can lead with pride, I can make us strong
I’ll be satisfied if I play along
But the voice inside sings a different song
What is wrong with me?”
If my life were movie, I’d be living in a tropical area and considering dolphins as some of my colleagues. But life isn’t a movie, and accepting that dream career opportunity wasn’t a financially feasible option for us, or a good choice for my family. I have hope and faith that God has something else in store for us, but in the meantime, I’m still mourning the loss of that dream.
Thankfully, Moana has further words of wisdom to guide me:
“Sometimes the world seems against you
The journey may leave a scar
But scars can heal and reveal just
Where you are
The people you love will change you
The things you have learned will guide you
And nothing on earth can silence
The quiet voice still inside you.”
Since Moana says it best, I’ll return to her words once more:
“I’ve delivered us to where we are
I have journeyed farther
I am everything I’ve learned and more
Still it calls me
And the call isn’t out there at all, it’s inside me
It’s like the tide, always falling and rising
I will carry you here in my heart, you’ll remind me
That come what may
I know the way.”
