Sketches courtesy of Taylor Thompson
Mama Bear (mɑ•mə bɛr); Et Matrem Ursus
Habitat: Mama Bears are remarkably adaptable. Found on every continent in every climate, the only conditions this magnificent creature cannot tolerate are those in which their partner is in control of the thermostat.
Temperament: Varied. Typically easy-going unless threatened. Intelligent and resourceful, capable of extreme multitasking. Best approached when there has been a confirmed consumption of some form of caffeine.
Diet: Also varied. Mama Bears are often reduced to scavengers when lunch and a cub’s nap hit at the same time (#awareness #feedthemamabears). Occasionally found feeding in the deepest part of the cave, attempting to hide from cubs who JUST DO NOT PROPERLY APPRECIATE THE EXPENSIVE CHOCOLATE, OKAY?!
Sleep Habits: Although not ideal, a Mama Bear can exist on minutes of sleep each night. Made for hibernation (glorious hibernation. sigh.), the occasions in which she is “running on fumes” can affect above-mentioned temperament and therefore the confirmation of caffeine before approaching needs to be repeated and stressed for one’s own safety.
Claws: Um, delicious! Panera’s are, like, the best. Oh wait, are still science-ing? We are. Sorry.
CLAWS: Alarmingly sharp; surprisingly retractable. More often retracted than not, because lattes are hard to drink, babies are hard to console, and blogs can hardly be written with giant razors sticking out of your hands. Trust and believe, however, that they come out quickly when Mama feels that one of her babies is in harm’s way. They can tear nearly any material or misconception to shreds. Sharp enough to make Wolverine cry. Beware of the “accent” claw, often adorned with dainty claw art or glitter; these may seem cute, but in fact only add to a Mama Bear’s fierceness.
Teeth: Though a Mama Bear’s teeth may seem intimidating, they are most often used for showing off in the occasional car selfie or tearing open a Go-Gurt because seriously why don’t those tabs even work??
Brain: Enormous and full of wonders. Contains all knowledge of schedules, medical history, important moments, preferences, and all other pertinent information for her entire sleuth. Though scientists have yet to discover exactly why, a large portion of the Mama Bear’s brain is saved for storing theme songs to their cubs’ favorite shows.
Heart: Much like the Hope Diamond, Mama Bear’s heart is huge, multi-faceted, and strong. Always tender for her babies, and always brave enough to go into battle for them without a second’s hesitance. Infinite storage capacity to hold all things which need to be held dear.
Fur: Thick and soft. Mama Bear is just now getting back all the fur she inexplicably shed right after having the most recent cub. So. Much. Fur.
Flower Crown: Holds all her secrets. Obviously.
*Disclaimer: This is not actually a highly scientific study. It is only mildly scientific.
Ha! What a good way to wake up after a night of NOT hibernating! My roar can be pretty ferocious, especially in the event of toddler sprinting through a parking lot, playing in the toilet or shaking the crib of a younger cub.
Solidarity, Elizabeth! Cubs be crazy.
Haaaahahahaha! This is hilarious. And seems extraordinarily scientific to me, and I’m a scientist, as we all know. Duh.
It is highly mildly probably scientific.
Park Ranger approved science, clearly! ~a Park Ranger
Well now I feel official!!