Last week, my youngest started his full-time days in kindergarten.
He eased into the start of the year without too much fuss. But that doesn’t mean it hasn’t come with the task of sorting through a myriad of emotions for both of us.
This moment is a big one. It is a shift in the way we’ve operated for the last five years. It not only changes our routines, but it affects our relationship dynamics, our time management, and our emotional capacities. It brings new people, knowledge, and curiosities into our lives.
I am really excited for this next step.
I believe my son is going to thrive and I’m looking forward to the ways he is going to learn and grow. But as I’ve proceeded through these last two weeks of staggered days and the adjustment to the school year, I’ve been surrounded by parents who are grieving and sad as they send their kids into kindergarten.
It made me question the way I was feeling. Should I feel more sadness about this transition? Am I not a good mom because I’m not upset about my child being away from me? Is there a right way to feel at this moment?
I started paying attention to the people close to me and what was going on with them during this time.
There are parents with tears in their eyes who feel gutted and heartbroken at the loneliness that comes from no longer having a child at home. There are moms and dads who beam with pride and are excited for this adventure for their child. There are those who are looking forward to the open hours to pursue dreams, hobbies, and careers.
Some parents feel relief at the lighter load they have with one of multiple children now in school. There are parents with an ache in their heart who carry sadness and nostalgia about their child growing up. There is worry as some kids are being pried from their parents’ arms with big tears running down their faces. There are nervous parents as they watch their child with a bewildered look at the newness of this place.
After witnessing these people around me, I realized that I was experiencing all of those emotions as well.
The heartbreak, pride, excitement, relief, sadness, and nostalgia are whirling around inside of me. The truth is that none of those emotions are mutually exclusive. There is a place for all of them.
While excitement for my son is the most present emotion, there are moments when other feelings take over. On our final day home together, my heart ached with sadness at the realization that the days of it being just me and my sweet buddy were over. And when I saw him standing in the pick-up line looking so sure of himself, I bubbled up with pride. At night, when he said he hadn’t made any friends in his class, I felt protective and wanted to make it all better. All the feelings are there, right below the surface, and some show up in fuller force at different moments.
There is no right way to feel in such a big moment. All of these feelings are real and valid. I’m learning to understand that I can hold space for all of them.
