Is Comparison Stealing Your Confidence?

I have always been a comparer. Since I was young, I can remember comparing my clothes, my athletic ability, my hair, my academic success, my social interactions, and the list keeps going.

I don’t know if this tendency to compare is simply inherent in some people or if it is something we learn from a society constantly telling us we need to be different or more. We see images and messaging, especially as girls and women, that tell us if we were prettier, smaller, smarter, and more empowered, we would be happier, better, and more worthy.

There aren’t many spaces telling us that we are always enough; that we are worthy just the way we are.

As I got older, I started to define my values, priorities, and passions, and gained a deeper understanding of who I am. With that knowledge came a new-found confidence which seemed to be a bit of an antidote to the comparison monster.

But, if I’m honest, that comparison has continued to underlie things throughout my life.

An assurance of who I am attempts to ward it off, but there are times it pops up with aggression. Sometimes I think comparison is worse now than ever due to our access to information. I remember being a new mom and struggling to have enough milk supply to breastfeed. During middle of the night feedings, when I was feeling desperate, I’d turn to my old friend Google for answers. I’d find encouragement to do what was best for me and the baby. But I always focused more on the things that made me feel like a failure of a mom for not being able to breastfeed. I’d compare myself to those mothers who provided sustenance for their babies for months and years. It was a hurtful and lonely place.

We do this so much as parents. We see other people doing something for their kids or handling a situation differently, and we compare it to what we are doing. This makes us doubt ourselves and what we are doing, or it might make us feel superior to other parents. Either way, it is creating a dynamic that is harmful.

As a new school year begins, I find myself comparing more. Not only am I comparing what I am doing (or not doing) as a parent, but I’m comparing my children. I start to compare their athletic ability, the clothes they wear, their friendships, and their academic efficacy. Sometimes I come up feeling like my kids are “winning” and sometimes I come away feeling like I need to do something different so that my kids are on the same level as someone else. Honestly, all of it feels awful.

When I start to do this, I am learning to quickly take a step back and recenter myself through these things:

• I remind myself of our family’s priorities, values, and passions. These things are going to be unique to each family. If I allow our family to be driven by our priorities and values, I feel much more confident in what we are doing and how we are handling situations.
• I remind myself that every child is unique in their own abilities, interests, and skills. Every person, including my children, has strengths and weaknesses. It is important to remember that some things come more easily and others require more work. I remember what is true about my child and focus on applauding their effort.
• I return to being the biggest champion of who my kids are, exactly as they are. There are plenty of people who will try to tell my children they should be someone different than who they are. My job is to cheer them on, help guide them, and lift them up. My job is not to change who they are. Comparison often comes with criticism, but what I want to provide my child is encouragement and acceptance. If I am operating from a place of comparison, I find that I am picking at and criticizing my kids more. When I truly see them and love them right where they are I can encourage them more easily.
• I embody confidence in my decisions as a parent and in who I know myself to be. Sometimes this feels like I have to “fake it until I make it,” but when I fill myself with confidence, remind myself I am the best mom for my kids, and see the uniqueness of my children, we all operate from a calmer and more confident place.
• I remember that I am worthy based on who I am and not what I do. And so are my children. The things I am comparing do not make me more or less than anyone else. We are worthy just as we are. When I can stay connected to myself and to my children, I can stay centered on the important things.

When you feel comparison creeping into your life and your parenting, how do you recenter and foster a sense of connection?