“Your mama’s a big dummy sometimes.” The words flow out of my mouth and into my kids’ ears on the occasion I make a mistake or forget something. It comes with an apology and the reassurance that I am sorry for the confusion, but it all goes into their little brains that are developing and processing everything.
It is good and right to apologize to your kids when you make a mistake, but letting the internal conversation you’re having with yourself be verbalized risks teaching them things you don’t want them learning. You might be teaching them to apologize when they make a mistake and also to bully themselves in the process. You might be teaching them to tear down their own self-esteem when they admit to a mistake.
Isn’t that what I’ve reinforced to myself for 30-something years?
With every apology for my forgetfulness or a mistake I made, I spent twice as long in my head berating myself. I’ve told myself the same things for years: I’m a bad wife; my kids deserve a better mom; I can’t do anything right; my family would be better off if I left. The darkest corners of my mind are lit up with the cruelest commentary, ready to spring out in a sick play-by-play every time I screw up to remind myself what a mess I really am.
It’s nothing new to me, but now as I watch my boys growing up and going to school, there’s a stark reminder that it started for me in middle school.
I first experienced targeted bullying at me as a kid in middle school. (Didn’t we all? The more I talk about it, the more people share the same sorts of stories.) I was ostracized in middle school by the clique of private school students that rose up in the murky social waters of a newly started school. I went from a mostly outgoing, friendly child to a moody, brooding, and silent teen, unwilling to open up to my parents about the ways I was being bullied by my peers and, on occasion, a substitute teacher who unfortunately remained in my class for half a school year.
It culminated in a heartfelt letter to a trusted adult mentor about how often I wanted to end my own life. That led to my parents getting involved and my changing schools, which ultimately saved my life.
It all came back to me as I watched a Today Show segment featuring Monica Lewinsky. She talked about the importance of her anti-bullying campaign and how difficult it was for her to come back into the public and share after the scandal of 1998. It was 25 years ago, she said. It struck me then that my own bullying issues stemmed from 25 years ago, too. I’m still battling the negative voice in my head that became so prominent back then. Much of the time, the battle is difficult even still, and the accusations have changed. Something struck me, though. Lewinsky explained her current campaign and showed part of a video from it that ended on a simple note: “Self-bullying is still bullying.”
We talk about negative self-talk a lot, we say some of the same things she addresses here. “Would you say the same thing to a friend that you’re telling yourself? Then why are you so harsh to yourself?”
Bullying isn’t going away, and it hasn’t truly changed that much in 25 years. I don’t have the answers on how to fix the issues our kids deal with in school any more than anyone else or any other anti-bullying campaign does. Maybe, though, it can start with me not letting the bullying voice in my head come out in front of my kids. Maybe it can come out with the admission that a mistake doesn’t mean I’m a failure or worthless or anything else. It means I’m human. And I can stop destroying my self-esteem in front of my kids by admitting a fault but still being able to hold my head high.
